The way we see ourselves is so important. Especially when we are going through tough times, some days we feel we are not worth of happiness. But that is not true because you and I we are worth of every happiness there is. Here I share my story when I was going through a dark phase of my life and how it affected the way I saw myself, how I felt and what I am doing to change that.

I had been through a identity crisis. To be honest, I am still going through one. Identity crisis, that what I like to say, or in my girlfriend’s word quarter-life crisis. Mid-life crisis cut in half! This has been bothering me for a more than a good year now. Last year, my worthiness to myself was going down and because of that I started fearing and over thinking about everything.

All these happened and I got to observe within myself, how my self-confidence and self-security went down. I started to worry a lot about things that a few months ago would not have bothered me. I started to think about people’s opinion on me or what they would think/talk about me when I am not there. And, believe me its something you do not want to add to your to-do list. Time passed, but the way I was feeling did not. Till this day it has not gone away completely and I believe it is not going away in a near future. It is now rather something with which I am trying to live in harmony.

Forgiving and Celebrating myself

I was dealing with something new. I had started feeling anxious. I was thinking why people chose to be saints and live in the jungles. But I could not do that. I could not live in a jungle. So I had to do something to survive and live a better life. As everyone, I listened to a lot of podcasts on well being and surprisingly, each one of them directed me to self love. In all the hassles, I had forgotten to love myself, appreciate myself. You might related to this or you might not. But if you have read this far I put my money on the fact that you can relate to this.

That is why I decided, to always put myself on the top priority but not in a narcissistic way rather in a way that does not hurts anyone (or at least I try to not hurt anyone). But sometimes you happen to accidentally hurt people. Of course, you shoud try not to repeat it. This is also something that helped me put things in perspective. I am just a human. I have had made mistakes and I am going to make mistakes but the darkest hour of my life does not define me. When I accepted that, I felt a little relief. I accepted that I am growing above and beyond my mistakes. I am celebrating myself, dancing with myself, singing to myself. Just enjoying myself. I do not say that it is easy. It is something that I have to keep on reminding myself everyday, every morning.

Letting go of negativity

I also decided on keeping everything away that was making me anxious or bad about myself. My job was the first place I started. Even though, it was a part time job, it was taking a lot of space in my head. So, I said ‘its time to let it go’. Letting go is something I was reminded again through a famous podcast: ‘The Minimalists‘. I knew what letting go was, but in between everyday chores I had almost forgotten that I do not have to worry about my problem immediately after I wake up. Mindfulness is something that helps me to let go of random thought and worries in my mind. For mindfulness I am practicing to focus on my breath. Whenever my worries come knocking on my door, I greet them and I bid them a farewell by coming back to my breath. Lets do it together. Through your nose take a deep breath with me and let it out slowly through your mouth. One more time a deep breath in, slowly let it out and with every breath out try let go of all your pain and worries just being present with your breath .

Working on life-force

Since I am having an identity crisis, I do not really know what I want to do and where I want to go with my life. This had caused a lot of chaos in my life. I used to wake up and do not know what to do next. Thanks to Jonah Hill who made the netflix documentary ‘Stutz’, helped me to answer that question. What I was suppose to do? From that documentary, I realized that I am just suppose to live my life and if I do not know what I am going to do in/with my life, I am just going to work on my life-force. My life-force being my body and my food. So every morning I try to meditate, do my flexibility routine, make some breakfast and breath.

So, yeah, this is how I am working on myself. Some day’s are more fulfilling, some day’s less. But right now I am in much better place than I used to be. Three things I would like to highlight in the end: love yourself, keep away from toxic environment(letting go of toxicity, btw I also have written something about letting go, click here to go to the blog), work on your life-force.

Thanks!!

Until next time!!