To those who are going through tough times. Are you looking for chaos or drama in an ongoing relationships? Your answer might be that you are not. But if you look closer you will find that our mind actually craves it. Especially if you have traumas from past like me, it is more likely that you will feel more attracted to chaos.

Past traumas

Until recently I always thought my childhood was as normal as it can be for a South Asian kid. I was bullied in school, let alone by my mates but also by my teachers. I was bullied at home by my parents, relatives. All that eventually turned me into a bully toward my younger sister. I am sorry for that and I will do everything to repent. Our society had the culture of punishing (physically or psychologically) kids for every mistakes we did.

As a beginner of life, a child is most likely to do things are not traditional, or as we call it, mistakes. Most of those mistakes done are either out of curiosity or just unknowingly. The cost of being curious were higher at that time, you could get yelled, slapped, kicked and sometimes even worse than that. In my view, I see that it is destined to lead to two extreme outcomes, either you turn out to be a rebel and do everything against you are asked or said to do, or you turn out to be a quiet person who is now incapable of expressing oneself.

My parents had to definitely go through more tougher times than I have in context of parents who do not both understand and want to understand them. They did everything within their right to make sure we get to a better life than they have, even if that meant physically abusing their kids. No, I do not mean to shame my parents or anyone else’s. The things that they did, its done. No one can undo it now. But surely we need to be aware of the problems it can and has created in our life.

My parents relationship with one another

I had been wondering, why I was in my last relationship for such a long time even if it was toxic for both of us until someone told me that you parents relationship with each other forms the relationships that you make as an adult. That is so true. We grow up seeing our parents, how they treat each other, how they react to each other and their flaws. My parents have a really complicated relationship, but they are still together. They fight most of the times regarding to the tiniest matters and me growing up looking at them thought that how a relationship should be. You love, you fight and you stay.

Fights can be good too, depending on how you fight. One can fight with another person and still be respectable toward them. You and I can have different opinions about anything and we can argue about that. As long as we both are in a shape where understanding why the other person has different opinion, rather than trying to win the argument, its a good fight. These fights will help you broaden your mind, but once I am concentrated on winning the argument rather than listening with an open mind, that’s doom.

So, yeah I was used to seeing my parents fight, throw tantrum at each other all the time, I thought that is how a relationship works. You fight but you stay and everything is going to work out. That was how my last relationship was like. But now the relationship that I am in does not have any of those. My partner she wants to listen to me what I have to say, why I am feeling that way and even though I know that it is healthy, my traumatized self sometimes craves for that chaos, for that nonsensical fight.

You might be feeling the same or not. But if you are, I wish you that you go back to the traumatized child that is still living inside you and say it is okay that you crave chaos sometimes but now we do not have to live in the world that we used to. We can let all the traumas go and start a new beginning. I have to do that many many times, within one day. So, you might also have to do that more than once. Just do not give up. Practice to let go. Let go of all the traumas that you have been through. They have defined you for quite sometime. Now, its time you make a new identity who has accepted their own traumas and is no more urging to act upon them.

Best wishes from my side for a new, new life.